1. GTA V's combined development / marketing budget: $264 million. My combined development / marketing budget: $19 on two self-help books and a free Twitter account.
2. Rockstar: when I'm on the run from a dozen cop cars, three choppers, and a SWAT team, don't interrupt me with a blurry, 10-point font info box that reminds me how to turn on my headlights.
3. Actually, just don't show me blurry info boxes.
4. I need to get a better TV.
5. In real life, I spent 20 minutes looking for parking and had to walk a half mile just to visit the Griffith Observatory. In GTA V, I parked on the steps outside the front door and only three people were there.
6. Why do my in-game emails look like they're from 1997?
7. The best thing about GTA 5 are the heists. You pick your crew, you choose an attack strategy (loud? smart? sneaky?), you gather supplies, and then you execute. Your planning, team members, and performance are all crucial to survival and financial reward. Masterfully implemented.
9. Great fake company names: LifeInvader (Facebook), Lampadati (Maserati), Cluckin' Bell (Taco Bell), Chihuahua Hotdogs (not sure, but hilarious).
10. If I did an 8 GB install before even starting the game, why does the pause menu take six seconds to load?
11. Come to think of it, why did I have to do an 8 GB install? All of OS X Mountain Lion was less than 5.
12. I can't say for sure how people would look if they frequently jumped while running, but I know it wouldn't look like that.
13. The second best thing about GTA V is the 3-protagonist dynamic. I started out skeptical—multi-character games tend to require intense micromanagement, create divergent plot lines, and—like the latest season of How I Met Your Mother--increase variety at the expense of cohesion. Instead, switching characters is fluid, fun, and occasionally, strategic. Well played.
15. The third best thing about GTA V is the driving. The first time I caused a pileup on the freeway, for roughly 1/10 of a second, I felt exactly like how I felt when I almost drove off a real cliff at the age of 15.
16. Therapists get a bad rap in this game. The average session is four minutes and you get a $1,500 bill. In a related story, I'd like to take this moment to confirm that GTA V is a video game, and in this video game, you can see a therapist.
17. I've spent a combined hour seeing my in-game therapist. I have seen no real-life therapists in that same time span.
18. Helicopters are tough to control, so this is my current strategy for landing them: 1) find an open corn field 2) free fall 3) crash land 4) bail out before the copter catches fire 5) buy a new one the next time I need to fly. To be honest, I would probably do the same thing in real life.
20. The in-game radio station commentary starts to make up for it: "Weazel News: confirming your prejudices!" Stephen Colbert would be proud.
21. In GTA V, the more near misses you have while driving, the more your driving skill counter goes up. In real life, the more near misses you have while driving, the worse at driving you are.
22. After playing the GTA V stock market, I feel 3% less mad at Martha Stewart.
23. I also feel 3% dumber.
24. If I had three wishes, one would be for the universe to provide me with a little yellow beacon indicating wherever I was supposed to go next, just like in GTA.
25. A month ago, if you told me I would spend 25 hours reading over-stylized fonts, watching mediocre acting, and hearing a series of half-baked explanations about "hacking into the system" and "stealing a top-secret nerve agent," I would have asked who was lending me the DVDs for 24, Season 2.